Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Contemplating the Great Mysteries of the Universe

People often ask me, “Mike, how does a person with your tremendous intellect and verbal prowess keep his mind sharp and focused?” I always respond with, “Huh?” After having them repeat the question several times, I finally begin to understand what it is that they are trying to ask me, and… where was I going with this? Oh yeah… sharp and focused…

Like Plato, Descartes, Kierkegaard and Nietzsche, I have found that the best way to exercise the brain is to ponder some of the great mysteries of life. To aid you in your own quest for knowledge, I have listed below some of the weightier matters that have occupied my own intellectual pursuit. I have, in the past, come very close to solving some of these perplexing inquiries, but invariably, my wife will start pounding on the bathroom door and I will lose my train of thought. (Note: each generation of great thinkers must suffer the inquisition of the anti-intellectuals.)

At any rate, this list is not exhaustive. It is merely a sampling of the mysteries to be found in the universe. If anyone can think of any others that deserve our attention, Feel free to leave it in the comment section below.

  1. Why do we have interstate highways in Hawaii?
  2. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
  3. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
  4. Why aren’t “hemorrhoids” called “asteroids”?
  5. When they ship Styrofoam peanuts, what do they pack them in?
  6. When you throw out your back, where does it go?
  7. What is the speed of dark?
  8. Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
  9. If women wear a pair of pants and a pair of glasses, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
  10. How come you never hear about “gruntled” employees?
  11. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  12. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
  13. If people from Poland are called “Poles”, why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes”?
  14. If we are here on earth to help others, what are they here for?
  15. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  16. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  17. Where are Preparations A through G?
  18. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  19. Why isn't “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
  20. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  21. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a “shipment”, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called “cargo”?
  22. If olive oil comes from olives, and peanut oil comes from peanuts, where does baby oil come from?
  23. Are there seeing-eye humans for blind dogs?
  24. Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; but when a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute? (Don’t ask me how I know.)
  25. Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
  26. If this is a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
  27. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
  28. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  29. If Superman can stop bullets with his chest, why does he always duck when someone throws a gun at him?
  30. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
  31. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
  32. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
  33. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  34. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
  35. Why do we wait until a pig is dead before we “cure” it?
  36. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  37. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  38. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  39. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  40. What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  41. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  42. Do they have reserved parking for non handicap people at the Special Olympics?
  43. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get 1?
  44. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  45. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
  46. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
  47. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  48. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns
  49. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean the opposite?
  50. If lawyers are disbarred and the clergy are defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I hope that this provides fodder for thought, and that your pursuit of knowledge brings you enlightenment and a really buff cerebral cortex.